My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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