I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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