You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
