omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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