I hope mine doesn't look like that
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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