don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
