Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
