If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
