is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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