You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
