His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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