My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
whose parrot is this?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
