they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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