Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
