Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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