The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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