So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
