So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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