I feel like I'm in dance class right now
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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