So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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