it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
