the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
