I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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