Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
