If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
