Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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