Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Sorry my hands just texted you
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
And then my night got REAL pukey
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
