Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
