I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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