Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
