Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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