I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dick very happy bro
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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