we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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