He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
