Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
