When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
