$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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