OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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