8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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