The maid of honor just puked.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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