Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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