ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
