I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
