so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
