I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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