I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
