I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
