im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
