He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
