I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You made out with two different species that night
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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