Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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